You may have heard of the book The 5 Love Languages. It’s a New York Times best selling marriage book.
To recap, the idea is that there are five main categories in which people feel loved:
- words of affirmation
- acts of service
- receiving gifts
- quality time
- physical touch
Our church even hosts a workshop where people can learn more about their love language.
But here’s the thing:
Love languages aren’t about you.
They are meant to be a tool to better love your spouse.
Two thoughts:
(1) The way most people view love languages tends to put the focus on ourselves, not on our spouse.
I’ve heard a number of people mention “my boyfriend/fiancé/husband just doesn’t understand my love language. He doesn’t get that I feel most loved when he ______.”
The problem here is that love languages can create expectations. Or a false reality that your significant other must love you in this way, or he isn’t showing you the love that you deserve.
That’s not what love is.
Love is giving up my right to be loved so that I can selflessly love my spouse.
Love is consistently considering how I can love him, rather than focusing on whether or not the way he is treating me lines up with how I have been told I should be loved.
But I found myself thinking “Well, I really like when Hud does things around the house for me and says nice things to me, so I should probably tell him what he can do to better show me love.” And then, I starting to think about (a few) ways he was not showing me love in these specific categories instead of appreciating all the things he WAS doing.
I don’t think that’s what Gary Chapman had in mind when he wrote the book. I think the point was to help you learn how you can more effectively show appreciation to your spouse. Understanding your spouse’s love language can allow you to love your spouse in ways that they enjoy, rather than according to your own desires. But…
(2) Sometimes love can’t be defined by 5 basic love languages.
Hudson and I have only been married three years, but I’ve learned that to love him I should (1) spend time with Jesus, (2) be fun and adventurous, and (3) include bacon in every meal. (Just kidding about the third one…I think :)
None of these are specific to any one love language. And that is okay.
I think love languages are a great starting point, but they are not the end game.
Love is spending every day with a person, walking hand in hand together in this journey called life, seeking Christ together, making mistakes and learning from them, and continually growing.
So what’s the answer? I am not sure…but I challenge all of us – myself included – to have an intentional conversation about this with your spouse. Ask them the specific ways you can show them more love – and focus on their “love language” instead of trying to figure out your own. Then, write down and implement three practical ways to make them feel appreciated this week.
What are your thoughts on love languages? How do you best show your spouse love?
